If I had it my way...

Sometimes I forget about the stress of putting on nights and how under-appreciated you feel. No one gives a fuck about anyone but themselves in London. So it's the last Decasia. Does anyone apart from me actually give a flying fuck?!

If I had it my way, I would be doing this...again and again and again....



My new love was too profound for me to truly understand aged 11-16 when I used to learn but now all I want to do is play piano.

My parents bought me a piano for Christmas and it is seriously making me consider moving back home so I can play it again and again and forget about this stupid place and these stupid things.....

Today

Séance

Ghosts walk on through the night
Feel their shudders in my cries
They don't lie on a bed of nails
They've seen just how I've failed

I won't die for you
I won't fight for you
I have seen there's nothing left
All I can do is hurt myself

Spirits talk to me through time
They try and convince me that you're mine
Send this séance out to you
I have everything to lose

I won't fight for you
I won't die for you
I have seen there's nothing left
All I can do is hurt myself

Cut myself
Burn myself
Hate myself
Sell myself
Stab myself
Save myself

Séance

Summation of the past, exploration of the future

Rest In Peace, Harry Diamond

You helped make my Christmas one of the best ever last year. I will never forget that.
xxx

Fallen

Where/why/what is happening with the John Waters Christmas album??

I want to hear it!

In the meantime...some favourite Xmas hits:
1. Theoretical Girl-Holy Night
2. The Raveonettes-Christmas Song
3. David Bowie and Bing Crosby-Little Drummer Boy
4. Bright Eyes-Blue Christmas
5. Wings-Mull of Kintyre

Get rid

Of you and the sickness your person gives me
I had to delete myself to cure myself
I hope when I am gone I will haunt you as much as you have teased me
10 years is nothing compared to infinity
Be seeing you now

Insomnia reeks of all of life's desperate failings

You have haunted me enough
You are going to be the death of me

Nothing Knew

I know of nothing new
I am spent of all I knew
My soul aches a stench of honeydew
Whilst I am soaked in your shameless goo

A momentary blast of paradise syndrome
Leads to an eternal task of a malady of no home
This crisis has many avenues but not so many doors
I was unlucky to take a fall into a deep mind of impermeable pores

I am sure you often wonder as I stealthily cross your thoughts hue
What happened to the girl I once knew who knew of nothing new?

She is still trapped in a homemade dungeon
Perilously stepping aside of her mind's eye
And dreaming of silver and gold to pass the time

Primrose Sun

Rolling upon rolling, towards the clouds we go.
A pink rose wave of sunlight streaming gently, beaming mildly,
takes it turn to wade over us, magnificently, undulating
with monumental pride.

This is the one sea which shall never cascade any danger.
This is the one sea which encapsulates all but harms no one.

Look to the curls of clouds and the wisps of wind,
A trajectory of small fragments of His soul.
In all its glory how it hangs so delicately.
A precious frame that enshrines the stillness of its roar.

Some are fortunate to bask in its overwhelming shadow
and embrace the sensation that amounts to peace.
Others hurry by, not looking, not glancing, uncaring, indifferent.
But not I.
For I shall remember you.
A passionate moment we shared amongst the twisted leaves, sharp
blades of grass and fingers of the trees.
A moment intensely heightened, captured and treasured.
A moment we shall name, our primrose sun.

A Hurricane

Watch the colours drain from you when you emerge from the
shallow waters of the stagnant pool we both lay in.
Shakes of shock - had you really been lying next to me all this
time?
But remember, it was you who had violently grabbed my arm in
the dark,
Desperately hoping that I would understand and not toss you
gently back into the black waters.
That forged connection: charged by the same fuel and fuelled by
the same charge.
How wondrous, how exotic. How typical.
You told me you already held the arm of another who lay longer,
closer and nearer to you.
An arm which I am bruised by repeatedly and relentlessly.
But listen, child.
I live by chances and shun regret.
You live by regret and shun chances.
So look out now.
A hurricane is coming.

The Mask

Pick it up lover and
embrace it with your
trembling fingers.
Trace the shapes,
The curves,
Rough and tender.

Mark your own eyes with
its eyes,
Your mouth kisses its
porcelain lips.
Feel its own skin rubbing
against yours,
The shiver of becoming
one numbs you rigid.

This is what it feels like to
lie next to someone so
cold.

On a bed of spider webs.....I think of how to change myself....

Some current favourite videos:
Fever Ray


Gentle Friendly


No Age


Charlotte Gainsborough and Beck

My boys......

Forever and a day........


How lucky I am to know you
X

Screw you nepotism

Sometimes it is nice waking up and realising that I have actively chosen or not chosen to be exactly where I am in my life. All my successes and failures have been by my own hand and not because of my father, mother, sister or brother or even worse, because of strategic shags.

Screw all those who rely on nepotism to succeed. What an awful thing to be living such a sham life and 90% of people in this industry have come about in this blood is thicker than talent way....

Back to School

Tomorrow I go back to school for the first time in almost 5 years.

I hate being the new girl...

Uncle BoB moves to a new home....

Weekly podcasts will go straight up here:

http://blueonblue.podomatic.com/

x

Turning of the Decade

Time misplaces you more than any lover, brother or small print book,
Turning of age or landmark or both cuts deep.
I am not the person everyone predicted I was destined to be.
I am the person I thought I would never be.
Yet, I am secretly gushing over my new found path
Treacherous, painful and lacking in any tangible measure,
My lifelong dreams plague me with glittering nightmares,
Shiny nightmares of my inhibited feet,
Ashamed and unworthy awkwardly sits amongst my peers.
My success is only written on paper and all my failures transcribed on every bill.
I am terrified of the new dawn.

Blue On You

I will be recording some tracks very soon for the first Blue On Blue 4 song EP which will be released early next year! It will be released on an amazing label which I will give details on in the upcoming weeks.

Exciting times!
x

Oral Monologue

I absolutely loves Ira's footage of our last London show. I particularly like us all smiling at each other at the very start. It makes me feel very happy when I watch this. I really love and enjoy what we're doing. We've never rehearsed and our 5 song set has come about from the jams we have at gigs, each time with a guest member and this time we had the amazing Joel from Battant on bass. More than anything, I'm in a band with such wonderful friends and that means a lot.

Our next public outing is next Tues Nov 17th as we play White Heat for
R O M A N C E's single launch. I'm expecting outfit changes and explosions.

See you there
x

Uncle BoB's Podcast #4 - Golden Oldies

Not the usual Sunday afternoon post as I've been away this week but better late than never...

This week's theme is some favourite golden oldies...Enjoy!

Uncle BoB's Podcast #4 - Golden Oldies
The Beach Boys - Then I Kissed Her
Edith Massey - Big Girls Don't Cry
Petula Clarke - Petite Fleur
Nilsson - Everybody's Talkin'
Lee Hazelwood and Nancy Sinatra - Summer Wine

Uncle BoB's Golden Oldies

Berlin Shopping List

I'm not even there and I'm already planning...

1. Headphones - I want a really old pair - like a proper German fighter pilot. How cool!


2. A new vintage suitcase. The one that I got for 3 euros in Berlin last year has been my record bag and is literally falling apart.


3. A ring
I always used to buy a ring whenever I'd visit somewhere. I've just realised that this year is one of the most I've ever travelled and I haven't done this at all. I'm also quite upset as I've realised that I've misplaced one of my favourite rings that I've had for almost 10 years. I can't for the life of me remember where I put it/last wore it. I'm not really with it at the moment unfortunately...I have a very heavy and stressed head. The ring was a beautiful green amber ring set in silver which I bought when I was in Tallin, Estonia. I adored it. I've found something that looks very similar to it.


4. Records
I kind of buy records when I can afford to wherever I am but there's some pretty good bargains to be had in the Berlin markets. I need to leave enough room in my suitcase to fill it! The last time I bought records abroad was when I was in Chicago. Steve Albini recommended Reckless Records- I couldn't not go and check out a record shop he recommended surely??!! I ended up buying the Nirvana box set With The Lights Out for $21! R.E.M's Green album on vinyl for 50 cents! And Big Black's Lungs EP on vinyl for $6! I was too embarassed to tell him what I bought - particularly the Nirvana and Big Black stuff. It's like the first day we arrived at Electrical Audio, I was wearing a Sonic Youth t shirt and made it my mission to get changed as soon as we got there but Steve Albini was sitting on the sofa watching a poker programme which I wasn't expecting at all so I was shaking hands with Albini whilst wearing Sonic Youth on my chest like a right saddo. Oh and when we left, we got a picture with him and I was wearing a Chicago t shirt. I don't know what's sadder or how I manage to beat myself by doing even sadder things....

Casting the net far and wide...

Getting an atlas, closing my eyes and seeing where my finger lands.....


After living in London for exactly a decade, I am beginning to think the earth is flat and that there is nothing outside of Shoreditch.

Now I know it is definitely time to move...

Hanging out with celebrities sucks

Therefore my amazing day has consisted of:

Uncle BoB's Podcast #3 - Acoustic Vibes

That time has come around again for Uncle BoB to pick out some favourite tunes, this time a Top 5 with a chilled Sunday afternoon vibe....

Enjoy
x

The Knife - NY Hotel
Q Lazzarus - Goodbye Horses
Cat Power - Sea of Love
The Sugarcubes - Birthday
Beirut - Nantes

Uncle BoB's Podcast #3

Hallow's Eve

Pictures courtesy of Ira





Fun times were had at The Griffin last night. In all my years in London, I've never seen Halloween on such a massive scale as it was in Shoreditch last night. The streets were crawling with ghouls...It was pretty overwhelming...Sooo many people. All was great apart from the new manager at The Griffin who had a go at me for playing Michael Jackson's Thriller. It's Halloween for christ's sake! Get over yourself woman and yeah, sue me for saying this...You're meant to manage the bar and not the DJs and what they play. Some could say that is fascism. I played this immediately after but I think my point was lost on the idiot woman and no one knew what point I was making except myself. Who cares!



My second highlight of the evening was the incredibly drunk chav who thought my music was coming out of the jukebox and was desperately putting money into the jukebox and pressing keys wildly when I played Joy Division's Atmosphere. Dumbo!!

From Inside Out - Day 1

Filming commenced last night at Reeperbahn....
Here are some stills:

Dee Fodor




Yasmina Dexter




Stuart McNab




Alex DeLarge aka Richard Clouston

From The Inside Out

I remember talking about doing this on leap year day 2008 and it will all commence tomorrow.

I feel that no matter what people say and where their allegiances lie, something very exciting has been happening on the London music scene in the last couple of years. I feel that being a musician in a few bands right now is exciting even though the main crippling fact about it is the lack of dough on offer...However every interview/article that I read on the London music scene doesn't satisfy me and people still get it wrong despite you spelling things out in black and white. Hence I've decided to do a film documentary on it - From The Inside Out.

I haven't scripted or planned anything. I don't think that's the way I want to do it. I just want to be an observer but probe those who I feel can shed more light on everything. It's just going to be me, my camera and London's music. That's all there needs to be really. No flashy sets or staged antics. Just life, the way I have seen and lived it over the past year.

Filming commences tomorrow on my return to London.
x

Uncle BoB's Podcast #2 - Cover versions

This week Uncle BoB takes you on a journey of some people doing other people's songs.

Yes. Otherwise known as laziness.....

UNCLE BoB's Podcast #2:
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Diamond Sea
An Experiment On A Bird In The Air Pump - 100%
Nirvana - Seasons In The Sun
Sisters Of Mercy - Jolene
Ciccone Youth - Addicted to Love
Hole - Hungry Like A Wolf
Dinosaur Jnr - Just Like Heaven
The Pixies - In Heaven
Sonic Youth - Superstar

Listen to all the music - no words - right here:
Uncle BoB's Podcast #2

x

The Truth Behind Beauty

I often contemplate what my life would be like if I woke up every morning and looked like this...A hell of a lot easier and happier I think....

Living where I do and doing what I do puts me and others I know glaringly into the focus of style, fashion, beauty. I hate it. I hate every minute of it. Would we have graced the cover of a magazine by now if we looked more 'conventional'? I believe so. Would we be the IT girls to hang around with if we were slender and blonder? I believe so.

Perhaps this is just a manifestation of my inner insecurities but I believe that how easy your life is and how far you go in it depends a little on intellect and chance and a whole damn way on how you look. It hurts but that's the truth.

I'm going to get the skinny model girl who dates guys in bands to DJ at my night because she is hot. FACT. She knows nothing about music and hasn't the slightest passion for it but she is fit. FACT.

Genetics, intuition, nature...you just can't fight this.

Lydia Lunch recently said this about us:

'I'm a fan of any women making noise who refuse to comply with an outdated beauty ethic and instead flaunt the power of their female charms with sass, spit and vinegar.'

Of course I was flattered as I've been a massive fan of hers for years. However I sat back and thought about it and it hurt that we're not considered beautiful, just people who don't comply with what girls in bands should look like. That's not quite the same thing.

At the end of the day, the last couple months have made me realise so much about this industry and myself. I've taken a huge leap away from it all. It's just the way things go and nothing's going to change. No sir. You just have to express your creativity for yourself and the rest can go to hell......

My ears just popped

Thank God. I was really worried during the walk home that my tinnitus had come back again. I lost 80% of the hearing in my right ear in 2006 and could just hear the worst feedback in my ear non-stop, 24/7 for 8 solid months. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and one day I woke up and I heard silence. I have never been so happy in my life. So yeah. I constantly worry about my ears and I'm usually good with wearing my ear plugs but took them out a bit tonight.

I enjoyed the Offset party tonight. I've been a bit of a recluse lately and was dreading facing the real world today but I really enjoyed it - great venue, mix of people and eclectic music.

I split my set with Christina so didn't get to play the whole 5 songs. I'd actually planned on playing a pretty predictable set of:
Selfish Cunt - England Made Me
Sonic Youth - Schizophrenia
PJ Harvey - Missed
Pavement - Grounded
Chemical Bros with Hope Sandoval - Asleep From Day

I really enjoyed Anthony Chalmers set as he just played stuff from new bands - Male Bonding, Graffiti Island, Rayographs etc.

I'm really exhausted now. I wish I could just sleep for 100 years. I need to disappear - get the hell out of London. Hitch a ride out of thie damn city and head to some next town. I really want to get a car, some books, some tapes and just drive across America. Meeting weird folk, spinning yarns and having time to think. Pure, deep thoughts that aren't tainted by pointless meetings about this band, getting the tube, going to crap gigs and clubs, worrying about scraping money together for bills, my rent and I'm not even going to start on my student loan...i just want to be rid of all these thoughts and plant new, raw, pure, otherworldly thoughts in their place. Whilst driving across a desert listening to The Pixies.

I want life. I don't feel my life is here, doing this, now.

2mins 6 seconds in is what I'm talking about....

Little Victories Part 2

Ugggh I can hear strange knockings from outside or next door..it's almost 4am and it's freaking me out. There was also some weirdo man whose been appearing in the early hours of the last few nights pretending to be a dog and barking outside my window. Yeah it's pretty hilarious but it pissed me off as I was trying to record some drums and had to compete with him. And also now everything has been recorded and put away and as I sit in the dark typing away, my mind suddenly decides it's time to freak out about it. Bloody typical.

Anyway the reason I'm writing is because I feel I have accomplished a minor personal milestone today. I wrote, recorded, sang and played all the instruments - bass, drums and guitar - on a new track called Three AM for Blue On Blue. I wrote somewhere recently (perhaps on the Bird blog) that this was an ambition of mine. Yep, Dave Grohl first Foo Fighters album style. It all went downhill musically for Foo Fighters first album onwards but I totally respect what he did - it still stands as a pretty outstanding achievment for any artist even nowadays. My man Dave rocks!

Ok so this is only 1 song, not an album and all the demos up I have mostly recorded myself but till now it's been just me singing with either a bass or guitar.

I'm going to put the song on the Myspace shortly. http://www.myspace.com/blueonbluepop

I'm going to stop posting out stuff on Facebook about it as it's a little embarassing. It's weird as you have great friends on there you want to share things with and then there's people you don't know as well and I think it could all come across as just inane self-promotion and big-headed. The thing is, the dawn of the internet is a life-saver for people like me. I was the most socially awkward, insecure and troubled youth I have ever known. Sometimes it's hard to surpress these innate sides of me but mostly people don't realise I'm like that. The internet for me is such a great form of communication and way of combating my demons...I started promoting and doing clubs and bands via the net which keeps what I do alive but without too much interaction with people. It actually gives off the impression I have some kind of life. Weird that.

Anyway this was meant to be a short post so it ends.
HERE.

Can't work out

if this is a fan video or the real thing. Either way, I love it and think it fits this song perfectly.



It kind of marks how I feel at the moment. There was a wide tunnel of light and as each day passes it gets narrower, more obscured and there are less people in it. I opened Pandora's Box recently and the light burst through. But only for a day. Just for a small, pathetic few hours. But it was so beautiful and I think that in years to come I will always remember it.

It's better to have loved than to never have loved at all?

It hurts me to say it, but I think I agree....

Top 5

Been asked to play my top 5 songs at the ECC/Offset party on Thursday.

Here's what I'm thinking:
1. Roy Orbison - In Dreams
2. The Velvet Undergound - What's Going On?
3. Sonic Youth - Schizophrenia
4. Nirvana - Scentless Apprentice
5. Selfish Cunt - England Made Me

Bite the bullet....

Vera Hall

I felt Vera Hall deserved her own separate post here. I think her voice and her songs are absolutely mind-blowing.

Most people would probably recognise this as it was used in Moby's 'Natural Blues' track.


Moby's version:


Death Have Mercy:


I'm pretty well-known for not being the biggest fan of soul music. I don't know what it is exactly but soul and garage music are genres I just can't identify with. There is nothing there that I feel akin to...the voices, the music (ok so this sounds REALLY generic but you know, I'm being lazy), the subject matter is something alien and unrelatable to me.

However I am a big fan of folk music and I know that this is intrinsic in influencing so much music out there. I love Vera Hall's version of 'Another Man Done Gone', which is an old Alabama chain song.

Here are some other versions of it:


This version starts off quite good, I like the fact that it's got both male and female vocals however from around 1 minute onwards I find it quite hilarious. I love Johnny Cash, he's amazing. However I find some of his pronounciations and tone of his voice sound like Elvis singing this song and it just seems...well funny and wrong. I feel it doesn't have any of the passion and meaning of the original.

Probably the most famous version is by Odetta. For some reason I can't post the youtube version up here but here is Odetta singing 'Water Boy':


My favourite version still remains to be Vera's. Odetta's voice is more experimental and stronger however Vera's subdued and gentle voice really overwhelms me.

For a long time I wanted An Experiment to cover this song but for whatever reasons, we never did it. I've done a version here for Blue On Blue. You can download it for free if you wish. I have so many songs for Blue On Blue and I'm not weird about making tracks exclusive and paid for. It would be great to have people pay for your music so you could live off it but I think all of us new bands will never really be in that position due to the current climate.

Anyway, here you go:
Blue On Blue Another Man Done Gone

Harking back...

I used to run a label called Decasian Records which was set up at the end of 2006. I had 4 acts on my roster and I was so damn passionate about everything. Unfortunately quitting my job meant the funds dried up and then An Experiment started and I didn't even have time to phone my mum let alone run the label. I don't feel like the label is dead although I understand that a fundamental part of a label is releasing music and I haven't done that lately. For me, in my head, it is on indefinite hiatus but it definitely isn't dead...

Anyway, I used to do weekly podcasts (that no one used to listen to). I really enjoyed doing it...I think I may do it again....

I've done one here...of a couple of songs, old and new, that I really like and want to share. There's no speaking on here, just music. I need one of those things that make the end of a mic big to plug into my laptop. Or a big to small...I need to check. But until then, it'll just be music, music, music....

I'm calling it 'BoB's podcast'. I don't know anyone called Bob, it's meant to be the abbreviation of 'Blue On Blue'.

BoB's podcast #1:
UNKLE featuring Autolux: Persons and Machinery
Hanged Men Dance - Riot At The X-Ray Bar
Jon Jones and the Beatniks Movement - Rope
New Order - Ceremony
Blue On Blue - Bad Place To Be
Silver Abuse - Cuban Homo Farm
The Breeders featuring J Mascis - Do You Love Me Now Jnr
Vera Hall - Another Man Done Gone
Shocking Blue - Love Buzz
Chromatics - Running Up That Hill

I'm hoping the above may introduce some people to some great new bands like Jon Jones from Leeds and Hanged Men Dance from Florida who are now existing under a new guise called Eulogy Inn.

There are also a couple of artists from yesteryear that are really underrated - the amazing, inspiring folk singer Vera Hall and the great Silver Abuse who were an amazing punk/no wave band from Chicago, pictured below. I think the rest people may have already heard.

Anyway, hope someone somewhere enjoys this.....
x

BoB's Podcast #1



PS MAJOR SH*TS!!! I just listened back and for some reason The Breeders track is all sped up and they sound like chipmunks and it's over in like 35 seconds. Oops!!

Little Victories

Ivan Smagghe's from Kill The DJ records playlist on Diesel:U:Music

Tracklisting:
Alain Kan – “Nadine, Jimmy et Moi”
the XX – “VCR Demo”
The XX – “VCR (It’s A Fine Line RX)”
Zinthesizer – “Green Onions”
Robert Hood – “Minus (Combo RX)”
Zeus -“Drive My car”
Adolphson/Falk – “Blinkar Blah”
A Place to Bury Strangers – “Ego Death”
Jeff and Jane Hudson – “Los Alamos”
Battant – “Highway Hopeful (kill the dj) (live track)”
Schneider With the Kick – “The Shout”
Battant – “Socket (live session)”
Battant – The Butcher (live session)
Blue on Blue – “Skull”
Shake – “Indagoo”
Krikor – “Crackboy (Plein Soleil RX)”
Tim Fairplay – “A Different land”
Battant – “Bruise (Live session)”
Marc Houle – “Lick Your Skin (A Fine Line RX)”
Drinking Electricity – “Shaking All Over”
Jarvis Cocker – “Angela (Pilooski RX)”
Peggy Lee – “Johnny Guitar”

It's quite daunting doing something by myself for the first time...It means a lot!

Sexy People

Mildly obsessed with this...

http://www.sexypeople-blog.com

Battant

The people below, in particular Joel, have made my year...




Seriously.....

THANK YOU

I am pretty terrified about everything right now...I feel it is more fate than free will that is causing these dramatic, massive shifts...

Anyway.......

THANK YOU..........

Don't be sad, I know you will....

My favourite couple of all-time

Gluttony and Excess

The divine Felicity Hayward has asked me to be a part of her upcoming December exhibition at the Digitaria Gallery in Soho. At first, I politely declined as I despise having my photo taken and hate looking at the results even more. However Felicity, god bless her, asked me to sit for a shoot and see how it goes.

The premise behind her exhibition is documenting people eating in their natural surroundings. For me besides my bed, the only place I sit and eat in my room sometimes is on my drum stool. I'm just worried because my room is gross and looks nothing as spectacular as this:



I may have to hire in a monkey in a butler suit to make it a bit more glamorous....

Felicity's website: http://www.felicityhayward.com

E.Gold

Going into the studio on Monday to do some vocals for the song 'Golden Design' for E Gold.

Never thought I would do something for a dance project! Jesus!

However this lady is quite an inspiration:

Hi, how are you?

I dunno....I think I need to buy a new life please.....

I guess that you believe you are a woman and that I am someone else's man.......

I shall be seeing you on my birthday in Berlin.

How exciting.....

Near Wild Heaven

This week has actually been really good. Apart from the massive freak out I had on Tuesday. That wasn't cool at all. I called some people I know 'monkeys' and 'fuck-ups'. I didn't mean it though. Well, I kind of meant it at the time but I don't think it all the time. I'm just sick of placing ourselves in people's hands who promise us the world and deliver nothing. And they have a hold over me because they have money and I don't. It gets me down....

Anyway, Nail the Cross last night was great fun. Probably down to the fact I had a bottle of Jim Beam to myself. Now then, my drink of choice is usually Jack and coke hence I think I lost it on the old JB. My mind ain't used to it. I think I played ok though. I forgot the words to a couple of songs notably 100%! What a monkey! That was pretty stupid and I think everyone in the room noticed. Oh well. Another thing to blame on Jim Beam.

Just been given a ticket to Mudhoney tonight. I really want to go and be excited but all I can think about is shit loads of coffee and maybe a mini roll and then my duvet. I'm such a bloody whinger. Free ticket to Mudhoney - YES PLEASE!

I don't know about the week ahead. I'm going to stop worrying about my life and just let things happen or not happen. I saw some old school friends last night and now we're back in touch and hanging out this week. That's good perhaps I'm finally overcoming my fear of people and my past. I can always hope anyway.

I like these. A lot:

RANT

I hate this world

I hate this industry

I hate the people that stay in this industry because they are all rich bastards.

You will never come across a poor, starving band from the suburbs anymore...No sir. The down-trodden, dole benefitting, odd jobs, penniless musician doesn't exist anymore. In their place, we have kids with the most expensive instruments in town who a) don't know how to play them, b) COPY music they like instead of creating anything new and original and c) have never had to nor never will have to worry a day in their lives about money as the bank of mummy and daddy pays for their hi-tech instruments, uber fashionable clothes, sweet flat in London and all the cool records they think they should own.

I worked my arse off for 2 and a half years and with my savings gave up my job to follow my dream. 18 months and a few odd jobs later, I'm faced with job interviews and freaking out about having to go back to my old life. My entire life savings are dust - gone - totally dried up. Yes they helped me fund my dream for a short time but what now? WHAT THE HELL NOW?

I don't have rich, healthy parents that can throw money at me for a new bass, new kit and everything else I need. The entire Bird back catalogue was written on my red bass which I acquired 3rd hand from a friend who moved to New Zealand. I have shit pedals that cost £20. I may seem like a shit musician because of this but I sure know how to play my shit instruments.

It's not fair that a lot of the people I know can prance about and can just be in a band 24/7. They don't have jobs or don't care that their parents are breaking their backs in order to support them. It makes me sick.

I don't listen to these people's music or what they have to say because there is nothing of substance to them. A spolit kid with a 2 grand Fender is never going to be my hero. Someone whose life is too easy and has never lost sleep over getting evicted or the debt collectors coming round means nothing to me.

I hate you all

Whilst I most probably go back to a shitty job with shitty people with a constant fake smile on my face and battling thoughts of smashing my head repeatedly against my computer, I will think of you

AND LAUGH

A complete and total....

Self-sabotage.....where does it come from? Does it lay innately dormant in us until fate decides it is time for it to rear its ugly head?

The worst kind of self-sabotage is seemingly positive sabotage. Inspired to start a new project however the truth is you are now drifting away from what was formerly occupying every second of your time and energy for the last 18 months. Why now? When things have come this close? Is it divine intervention, fate or just my fear pre-empting something that I've wanted all my life and is on the cusp of being attained. Unable to cope with the realities of where things could lead and how massively my life would be affected, I pre-empt success and glory with a massive shift and loss of interest and focus. Something new, shiny and more of a challenge has come my way. Yes, this shall be my demon from now on. This shall be what drives my soul into the heavens but my personal life, family life and financial life into deep, deep despair.

You know what I've come to realise. Different faces but same damn hell.

My soul is composed of:
creativity
desire
impatience
frustration

Therefore it will never be free.

So

It finally happened again...

Laying in each other's arms...

In your arms and not his or his or his...

I really enjoyed it.

Do I need

To stop doing things with people that I later feel the need to regret? Everything then gets complicated.

I'm just not interested right now.

Is it wrong that I secretly enjoy it?

Choosing to live this way makes life so much easier.

I am a misanthrope

Yes, it's official. I've always known it and now I've declared it. I suppose it's hardly breaking news...

I am also fast turning into a misandrist. This doesn't make me a feminist or a lesbian though. I don't think it does anyway. Sometimes the problem with self-diagnosing your social and psychological behaviour is that you feel like a weight's been lifted when you come across a term that seems to fit your life pattern but then you get so easily confused when these terms begin to overlap, conflict or seem right only part of the time.

Hmmmm....

Back to the drawing board...

Dazed and Confused

For the first time in 4 years, someone has actually recognised what I do.

Thank you
...
<<<
>>>
///
???

Push/Give

If you push, he won't give.

I was given a book to read at university called 'The Games People Play' which was a treatise on the psychoanalysis of human behaviour. I was 19. I read the first page and got bored. I really wish I read it now. I'm going to try and hunt it down.

This year has been a hurricane in more ways than one. The band is a continual source of (in)sanity and focus and it is hard to live the type of life I was leading before around it. You are constantly having to trust people you barely know, you have no money to pay for anything but will be paying for absolutely everything if you ever do. You meet so many new people all the time. Does this guy want to go out with me because I am Dee or because he wants me to put him on at my club night? The amount of things people ask me to do for them all the time stresses me out but I genuinely do want to help. It's just the constant lack of thank yous and relentless expectations which wear me down. Honestly though, when was the last time you did something for me?

I am learning that I need to be less paranoid and insecure but when everything around you is constantly in a state of flux, this becomes increasingly difficult.

I always make a point of talking to everyone I meet with an egalitarian approach. It seems not many have this approach in life, society or in this industry. 'Oh I've met that girl loads of times before but I'm just not cool enough for her to remember me'. I hate it when people treat me or my friends this way.

I have never treated you this way and have done nothing but support you. I have been trying so hard to open myself up to you whilst trying to conceal my scars. I thought you understood this but you clearly don't. Wasted energy hurts.

You will only perhaps remember me when I am gone.

Snap out of it

Your crude twisted licks of lies
Made some kind of contrived truth to my ears
Instinct, my friend, is right all along
Use of my being of myself of me was all you wanted.

The taste of three forms a bitter poise in my mouth
An acrid sense of everything this was trying to be not
His former cuts and slices possessed me
His former madness and sadness penetrated me

I don't know how to exorcise these black demons
You may have helped to create them
You may have helped to breed them

We will never know
You will never know
ME

Feeling of Gaze

This Week

Equals

I have had massive arguments with some of those closest to me

I haven't left the house since Sunday but secretly quite enjoy it

I've been writing, in all senses of the word, quite a lot

I have realised some very important things about myself and those I work with

It is still only Tuesday

I am re-reading The Bell Jar, surprise, surprise:
'Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with someone I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: "I'll go take a hot bath."'

Hot baths have been my new solace of late. I used to love baths when I was a kid but have just rediscovered them since I moved into this house. I think it's because we live up so high in the clouds and the water pressure is so bad and also we only have a kind of hose and not a proper shower. Perhaps all that has something to do with it. Anyway, I love bath time. Shower in the morning and have a hot bath every night. It is the secret to keeping sane.

Honestly.

Back here again?

>YES

>Seriously?

>YES

>Poor you

>YES

Did you know that you were dreading good news?

YOU ARE NOT OFFICIALLY DYING LIKE YOU THOUGHT.

Come back in 2 weeks though just in case we've made a fuck up.

On days like these....

Never get up from under the duvet, shut the curtains, put your favourite Mazzy Star album on, have numerous cups of tea and a long hot bath.

And then pray that it will soon be over.

Raw realisations and emotions HURT.

I'm trying to deal with everything so differently to how I used to but sometimes the old, terrified me creeps back in. I always boast that words are my solace but today reminded me that when I most need them they desert me. Stranded with no way out. The more I try and explain the more confused I get. I've always respected language and words but on days like this, it feels like they are jeopardising me. They turn into weapons and each letter is so loaded, explosive and hostile and the more I turn to them to diffuse a situation, the more uncontrollable they are.

Goodnight and I really hope I wake up to a good morrow. Everyone around me at the moment is really stressed out, upset, ill and I am exactly the same. It really is tough times at the moment. It is during times like these that dreaming is the only way out.

Perhaps

One day we will be bound together and walk together under the cherry blossoms
But perhaps one day you will wake up and realise that I am me
Then the next day I will be back here alone
Crying into a broken chain
Don't be scared
Don't question me
I am equally scared of you
But I just don't show it
My chains are too strong
They won't let go so easily
I am so sorry for being me
I am so sorry for letting you in

I am not on my guard
These legs don't remain closed just because it is you
I can't open them and my mind at the same time
For others can do both
But I can't
Must I choose between the physical taste of your sweating flesh
Or the burning curiosities of our mindful sighs
She is too nice to fuck some say
But others say she is just a fuck
I believe I am both
I can be both
For that one person
For the one person I have not yet been with
Perhaps
One day
We will touch
But if we can't
Do we have to walk away?

Surreal Life

Today I watched The Horrors play at Rich Mix. I missed the whole buzz with them first time round and only really heard them when Faris came to my night a couple years ago and we became friends. I saw Chris there too and we hung out, hadn't seen him since NME awards. I still find it an odd friendship as we get on so well but I've idolised him for over a decade and used to either hide from him or break out in cold sweats everytime Dario tried to introduce us in previous years. It felt weird seeing them perform Sheena Is A Parasite whilst standing next to him. A little bit surreal.



I had a fun evening however I feel like a sham. I go to these places with literally £1.80 in my pocket and watch everyone swoon around in designer clothes and guzzling down drinks at £5 a pop. I have to try and blag a drink without obviously blagging. I don't feel like I should be here. I really don't feel like I belong here. I have to smile sweetly and be polite when I'm introduced and nod when people ooh and ahh over us being the next big thing (just in Shoreditch of course) yet no one knew about the panic attack I had on the way to the venue and the fact that I hid in the toilets for 20 minutes when I first got there. How do these shiny happy people do it?

Supermarket's (Missing) Sweep

I came home today, on a Mother's Day visit, only to find I was home in time to help my dad with the weekly shop. Oh the joys.

I dread helping my parents with this. Not because I'm a lazy c*nt who only gets forced into doing my own weekly shop when I have run out of absolutely everything and begin eyeing up my flatmates' food and promising them in my head that whatever I take I shall replace immediately...no sir. I detest helping out the folks because I used to work at the local supermarket and my experiences there still terrify me.

Correction: it is the people who still work there that terrify me. I used to be a Pharmacy Assistant and it was my first ever job. I hated every minute of it. It was the first time that I was ever bullied at work and for some reason, that went on to be a common theme with all the jobs I've had and plus it was so soul destroying serving the general public of St Albans who are even moodier c*nts than me. God, retail seriously is one of the worst professions. Ever.

We start off in the fruit and veg section. I immediately spot a guy who was working there even before I was and whose sister I befriended when she used to work on the check-out. He is the most miserable, short, grumpy and muscly man I have ever met. A really weird combo, I know. I've seen him around for almost a decade but he still gives me the same 'f*ck off' stare everytime his piercing, black eyes look my way. I used to get really angry about this but then I realised today that I would give out exactly the same look if I was laying out 2lbs of bananas everyday for my entire life and rearranging the courgettes everytime a grubby fingered old man literally fingered them. That would drive anyone bananas.

Off we go in search of some fresh bread. Ah yes there he is. The Italian baker whose name has surpassed me dusting flour off his apron. Jesus, he's worked here for at least a century too. Plus he looks like Postman Pat. Argh I need to get out of this place NOW!!

I remember when I used to be standing on the Pharmacy counter doing the late shift on a Saturday (3-10pm, bloody awful) and the only thing that would be of some mild entertainment was when the trolley boys would pick on the cleaner and hide her stuff in random obscure parts of the building e.g. bucket down fire escape and mop in the staff canteen. Ok that might sound harsh but you've never met the cleaner. She was some godforsaken 'woman' (gender never really distinguished) in her 50s who looked like she'd eaten a toad and it in turn had become her face. She was a mean, psychotic, lump of a person whose name again, I can't remember. Actually I do remember it. We all used to call her Murderer.

She was nowhere to be seen today. I had a good look for her considering my dad took about two hours to buy 20 items.

Murderer, where are you? I hope you're ok. I missed you today.

See.....Hear....

I AM JUST NOT INTERESTED ANYMORE

T O D A Y

T O D A Y instead of reaching to slice I thought I'd be nice...to myself...
It was fairly easy and simple to divert myself from an impeding mental disaster. I was very surprised. If it was so easy to snap out of rage and gloom then why have I never really done it before?

I think I have realised something very important today. I think I have realised that I actually do enjoy being sad. I enjoy putting myself through constant self-accusations, self destruction and self hate. 'I miss the comfort in being sad'. YES I DO. As I have wallowed in sad moments for so much of my waking life it has become such a natural habit to react to every 'sad' situation in the same way: anger, disgust, rage at another person, rage at myself followed by pity for myself. It's been an ongoing saga for as long as I remember. The only difference that occurs each time is how long it will take me to snap out of it.

I just don't understand why it has to be so hard and I know that part of the reason things are hard are because I fundamentally don't understand why. Each time I open up it takes so much damn effort and it is so hard to keep giving and giving when no one understands me or respects me and ultimately it leads to the rape of me...Dee..a person...silently suffering...

Sleeves

I hide my cuts beneath these big white sleeves
What lies beneath is just pure disbelief
Then I heard your words when you spoke
I listened until I began to choke

So now I know
Yes I know
That you hide yourself behind your big white sleeves
We both suffer from exactly the same disease
But then you ran away whilst I spoke
I chased you until I froze

Because you know
Yes you know
And you left me alone in my big white sleeves
When we could've had each other to fight our disease

And from that moment I could see no hope
Nothing left but to choke and choke
Now my entire body is buried beneath white sleeves
Nothing left but death placed between the leaves

So now I know
Yes I know
Now I know
That there's no hope

Pram

They look at me they do. I know they do but it means nothing. It's the 30 minutes of attention I get every day. It's the feeling of pudding without the custard, sweets that have fallen to the bottom of your handbag without any wrappers on. A feeling of disappointment and frustration but nothing will change it because it has already happened. It was fate, meant to be and all that. What can you do about it? Absolutely nothing.

I have lived and walked on these streets for 77 years. They all know me, they do. Some by name, some by my nature. Many stop, stare and giggle. Some approach me menacingly but I don't budge for anyone. This crazy little lady won't give up easily especially after everything I have been through. When push comes to shove, I will shove.

When you are elderly and have little money as the state pension and your late husband's pension provide you pittance, life is awfully hard. I refuse to go to a home and for the past 15 years I have lived in various squats around east London, and at the moment I reside in one on Commercial Road. I used to be an artist and a part-time teacher but now my hands are tired and old and I don't have the stamina I used to. I have very few belongings and the most important ones - a Tolkein book that belonged to my late husband, a fistful of dog eared photographs and some money, I keep in the pram. The pram never leaves my side, no sir. The pram keeps me alive. Pushing it around and up and down keeps my strength up every day. I don't rely on it to walk but I do rely on it for some company and energy.

People don't seem to like it, particularly the young women with children. They have a mix of pity and anger in their eyes when they see it. Why does she have a pram? Is there a child in there? She can barely walk herself let alone look after a child! Where are its parents? Oh no, look! She has some crumpled Tesco bags in there. What a poor, poor woman - she doesn't even realise she's pushing a pram and how peculiar she looks!

If you knew me you would know, that one time more than anything, I wanted to push this pram with my own child inside. A little boy or girl, I don't mind and I would have loved both with my entire heart. I would have loved to have made my son or daughter a crocheted hat, knitted booties and a fine, woollen scarf. My tiny pride of joy would sit in their throne and I would wheel them slowly whilst pointing out the sights and sounds of our London.

If you knew me you would know, that my late husband was the only love of my life, the only one who loved me back just as much and you would know that we talked constantly about our future little ones and what they were called and where we would raise them and where we would take them for their first holiday.

If you knew me then you would know, that my beloved was stolen from me when he was so young and so handsome and so full of love. I never recovered from that loss and I never recovered from his love. If you knew me then you would know, that I could not go on to have little ones with anyone else when I constantly know that the only father for them is already 6 feet under.

But you don't know me so you will never know and I will continue to be the mad old woman who pushes the pram with tears in her eyes.

The Path of Realisation

If I were to walk, dream or fall into a dreamless state,
Alive in the afterlife but dead in my current strife,
Deluded, lost and searching release,
When the ego dies all troubles will cease.
Would you ever join me?

When I set out to own the world
I had no care whilst disowning myself,
My infinite heads and numbered eyes still found refuge,
Still found reason to be blind.
Divine
Divine
Divine
In our origin.
Would you ever join me?

When you feel unwanted and worthless

Remind yourself why you do it.