Tuesday, 9 June 2009
If you push, he won't give.
I was given a book to read at university called 'The Games People Play' which was a treatise on the psychoanalysis of human behaviour. I was 19. I read the first page and got bored. I really wish I read it now. I'm going to try and hunt it down.
This year has been a hurricane in more ways than one. The band is a continual source of (in)sanity and focus and it is hard to live the type of life I was leading before around it. You are constantly having to trust people you barely know, you have no money to pay for anything but will be paying for absolutely everything if you ever do. You meet so many new people all the time. Does this guy want to go out with me because I am Dee or because he wants me to put him on at my club night? The amount of things people ask me to do for them all the time stresses me out but I genuinely do want to help. It's just the constant lack of thank yous and relentless expectations which wear me down. Honestly though, when was the last time you did something for me?
I am learning that I need to be less paranoid and insecure but when everything around you is constantly in a state of flux, this becomes increasingly difficult.
I always make a point of talking to everyone I meet with an egalitarian approach. It seems not many have this approach in life, society or in this industry. 'Oh I've met that girl loads of times before but I'm just not cool enough for her to remember me'. I hate it when people treat me or my friends this way.
I have never treated you this way and have done nothing but support you. I have been trying so hard to open myself up to you whilst trying to conceal my scars. I thought you understood this but you clearly don't. Wasted energy hurts.
You will only perhaps remember me when I am gone.