T O D A Y

T O D A Y instead of reaching to slice I thought I'd be nice...to myself...
It was fairly easy and simple to divert myself from an impeding mental disaster. I was very surprised. If it was so easy to snap out of rage and gloom then why have I never really done it before?

I think I have realised something very important today. I think I have realised that I actually do enjoy being sad. I enjoy putting myself through constant self-accusations, self destruction and self hate. 'I miss the comfort in being sad'. YES I DO. As I have wallowed in sad moments for so much of my waking life it has become such a natural habit to react to every 'sad' situation in the same way: anger, disgust, rage at another person, rage at myself followed by pity for myself. It's been an ongoing saga for as long as I remember. The only difference that occurs each time is how long it will take me to snap out of it.

I just don't understand why it has to be so hard and I know that part of the reason things are hard are because I fundamentally don't understand why. Each time I open up it takes so much damn effort and it is so hard to keep giving and giving when no one understands me or respects me and ultimately it leads to the rape of me...Dee..a person...silently suffering...