Snap out of it

Your crude twisted licks of lies
Made some kind of contrived truth to my ears
Instinct, my friend, is right all along
Use of my being of myself of me was all you wanted.

The taste of three forms a bitter poise in my mouth
An acrid sense of everything this was trying to be not
His former cuts and slices possessed me
His former madness and sadness penetrated me

I don't know how to exorcise these black demons
You may have helped to create them
You may have helped to breed them

We will never know
You will never know
ME

Feeling of Gaze

This Week

Equals

I have had massive arguments with some of those closest to me

I haven't left the house since Sunday but secretly quite enjoy it

I've been writing, in all senses of the word, quite a lot

I have realised some very important things about myself and those I work with

It is still only Tuesday

I am re-reading The Bell Jar, surprise, surprise:
'Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with someone I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: "I'll go take a hot bath."'

Hot baths have been my new solace of late. I used to love baths when I was a kid but have just rediscovered them since I moved into this house. I think it's because we live up so high in the clouds and the water pressure is so bad and also we only have a kind of hose and not a proper shower. Perhaps all that has something to do with it. Anyway, I love bath time. Shower in the morning and have a hot bath every night. It is the secret to keeping sane.

Honestly.

Back here again?

>YES

>Seriously?

>YES

>Poor you

>YES

Did you know that you were dreading good news?

YOU ARE NOT OFFICIALLY DYING LIKE YOU THOUGHT.

Come back in 2 weeks though just in case we've made a fuck up.

On days like these....

Never get up from under the duvet, shut the curtains, put your favourite Mazzy Star album on, have numerous cups of tea and a long hot bath.

And then pray that it will soon be over.

Raw realisations and emotions HURT.

I'm trying to deal with everything so differently to how I used to but sometimes the old, terrified me creeps back in. I always boast that words are my solace but today reminded me that when I most need them they desert me. Stranded with no way out. The more I try and explain the more confused I get. I've always respected language and words but on days like this, it feels like they are jeopardising me. They turn into weapons and each letter is so loaded, explosive and hostile and the more I turn to them to diffuse a situation, the more uncontrollable they are.

Goodnight and I really hope I wake up to a good morrow. Everyone around me at the moment is really stressed out, upset, ill and I am exactly the same. It really is tough times at the moment. It is during times like these that dreaming is the only way out.

Perhaps

One day we will be bound together and walk together under the cherry blossoms
But perhaps one day you will wake up and realise that I am me
Then the next day I will be back here alone
Crying into a broken chain
Don't be scared
Don't question me
I am equally scared of you
But I just don't show it
My chains are too strong
They won't let go so easily
I am so sorry for being me
I am so sorry for letting you in

I am not on my guard
These legs don't remain closed just because it is you
I can't open them and my mind at the same time
For others can do both
But I can't
Must I choose between the physical taste of your sweating flesh
Or the burning curiosities of our mindful sighs
She is too nice to fuck some say
But others say she is just a fuck
I believe I am both
I can be both
For that one person
For the one person I have not yet been with
Perhaps
One day
We will touch
But if we can't
Do we have to walk away?

Surreal Life

Today I watched The Horrors play at Rich Mix. I missed the whole buzz with them first time round and only really heard them when Faris came to my night a couple years ago and we became friends. I saw Chris there too and we hung out, hadn't seen him since NME awards. I still find it an odd friendship as we get on so well but I've idolised him for over a decade and used to either hide from him or break out in cold sweats everytime Dario tried to introduce us in previous years. It felt weird seeing them perform Sheena Is A Parasite whilst standing next to him. A little bit surreal.



I had a fun evening however I feel like a sham. I go to these places with literally £1.80 in my pocket and watch everyone swoon around in designer clothes and guzzling down drinks at £5 a pop. I have to try and blag a drink without obviously blagging. I don't feel like I should be here. I really don't feel like I belong here. I have to smile sweetly and be polite when I'm introduced and nod when people ooh and ahh over us being the next big thing (just in Shoreditch of course) yet no one knew about the panic attack I had on the way to the venue and the fact that I hid in the toilets for 20 minutes when I first got there. How do these shiny happy people do it?