Inadvertently the talk of the town....

Those that are close knew for a while that the end of The Birds was nigh....I didn't really want to go into details on the Bird blog but have every right to vent here...

I meant everything I said about enjoying the live gigs and experiencing some seminal opportunities. However I just don't have the energy for The Birds anymore and I am someone that can't be a shadow in whatever I do...It's all or nothing and if I feel nothing then it's time to walk away.

My major gripes are probably shared experiences of many new bands - the constant lack of funding impinges on most opportunities, 'industry' people who claim they can help but are only great at blowing smoke up your ass and by the time you realise their shortcomings it's too late to repair their destruction of your soul and creativity. The realisation that other priorities within the band were taking over or even the band not being everyone's priority from the start. We should all have been honest with each other from the start rather than misleading your friends. That's pathetic and unforgivable.

Photoshoots and interviews always would take up more time than writing music. People constantly saw us as a 'fashion' band and that terrified me. I hate the way I look and being reminded of it in every opening line of a review 'red lips, fringes, fishnets' stereotyped me into a person I certainly was not and would never be. I am a MUSICIAN. You know that you're not in a real band when the music become secondary. We were not writing or rehearsing anywhere as much as we should've done considering it was a full-time project. That made me so sad and frustrated hence I started outpouring this frustration in what has now become Blue On Blue. Starting afresh really made me realise how numb and unhappy I was feeling in The Birds. The ultimate straw was playing New Years Eve with both ORAL ORAL and The Birds. I loved the ORAL ORAL gig so much but The Birds gig was a complete disaster. It was such a shame....

I don't know what the future holds but I am excited to be rid of old chains and very careful of chains that come in the forms of snakes in the future. Blue On Blue will not be working with industry people in any capacity unless they are trusted 100%. If there is even 1% doubt then follow your instincts and RUN AWAY. Don't let people take you for a ride that kills everything you have strived so hard to achieve. I know who all these people are and I'm watching their game and already laying bets on which acts they will go on to fuck up. Rather you than me.

The first hit is the deepest....

I see we will still be friends this year....

Scars Upon My Heart

My book finally arrived today. I was hoping I'd be leafing through its pages over Christmas, buried in thought and inspiration but alas the weather has taken its toll on the mail and it only arrived this morning.

'Scars Upon My Heart' is a compilation of Women's poetry and verse written during the First World War. I have a large affection for the First World War. I remember being 13 and in an English lesson. Until that point, I had been academic but felt no passion for anything. Learning for me was just to pass exams but there was no light inside me that was switched on by the propensity to gain knowledge. Like how I feel about most things in life, I just felt numb.

Anyway, in this particular English lesson, Mrs Saunders (an inspiring, lovely lady whose husband had committed suicide a few years before and who used to spend many a lunchtime confiding to me and in turn I would tell her about my frustrating constant sense of awkwardness and low self-esteem) told us we were going to delve into First World War poetry. Books were handed out, page numbers set and off she went, giving us a brief introduction to each writer's personal story and then read us his work.

I just remember wanting to cry. I felt like someone had dropped a shelf of books on my head and it was too overwhelming for me. I felt...something.

When I was younger, my father worked in the Middle East for a few years. I lived in Saudi Arabia from the age of 8 to 10 and a half. I have extremely happy memories of the place until on one fateful day, we watched the news and heard that Saddam Hussain had invaded Kuwait, our neighbouring country. Our world was turned upside down. All we learnt at school from then on was what to do if there was a bomb alert or a chemical gas attack. MRE's (meals ready to eat) were dispensed by the box load to families like us. We were told to tape up our windows, stock food, water, clothes for we were entering a war.

Before we fled to England, we stopped going to school. Nothing was open except the hospital and that meant my dad still had to go to work everyday. I lost perhaps a year of education. Once the war was over and my father joined us, we moved back to England. Started school and life was back to normal again. We just coped and got on with it. However I never really told people about this experience nor talked about it. It sat there wedged in a space in my head and reading the words of Wilfred Owen, Siegfried Sassoon and Rupert Brooke just unleashed a rotten, displaced memory.

I look at that English lesson as a pivotal point in my life. Firstly, I had shared purely through reading the words of others, my own war burdens. It is hard to share them in a different country with children whose only relation to my experience was watching it on the BBC News. I suppose in that regards, civillians of the First and Second World Wars all went through their experiences collectively. I was this small sore thumb; lost, confused, nomadic and with a completely solitary experience of war.

Secondly, the words of these poets sparked what has now become my life long love of literature, poetry and prose. I am an avid reader and writer and words are my life. I realised I had a passion that day and that felt like an achievement. I found the love of my life who I have always remained in love and faithful to.

I can't wait to get obsessed with my new book. I shall keep you informed of my progress.

The Entire Works of Shakespeare...For free....On your phone??!!

I'm not really into technology and snazzy gadgets. I like pressing buttons but I think that's more of my OCD make up rather than technical curiosity.

I've had an iPhone for almost a year and a half. I found out from a friend on New Years Day that you can download loads of free apps. Yes, I had no idea before that point.

Anyway, what I am most excited about is that you can download entire books and works! Shakespeare -plays, sonnets and poems all on my phone, baby! Same goes for Wilde, Arthur Conan Doyle and I almost downloaded The Bible but forgot. You never know when Psalm 124 could come in handy.

London's Snoring...

Ugh

It's not the weather that's getting me down but London itself. The big bright city I always dreamt of living and studying in....10 years on and I'm sad to say that my love affair with this city is over.

Like most people who move here, I wanted to be at the crux of the music, art and culture scene. I wanted to watch the bands, go to the clubs, go the galleries that I read in the papers as a teenager. However there were teething problems a) It took me about 5 years to find it (all from one fateful day when I placed an ad for like-minded creatives to get in touch and as a result Soma Soma Scene started) and b) apart from a handful of friends who are actually doing things of interest, what the hell is going on in this town?! c) Pretty much my life received a much-needed spiritual overhaul when I entered The George Tavern and met the most gifted, inspiring, unsung heroes of modern culture.

I am sick of dull, over-priced club nights where the same 5 bands play in rotation. Of course I am a lover of music but the way it's presented and dolled up leaves me feeling less than enthused.

NYE Decasia was meant to be the last one but in the few days afterwards I had an influx of ideas in my mental inbox....things that just needed to be done or else I would die a very restless woman. It is these thoughts which I am now acting on and until they are satisfied, I will be extremely distracted by them.

I feel that most people move to London with very good intentions from a creative point of view. However in reality, it seems to me that most people are excited about the myth of London rather than actually doing anything exciting themselves. They want to make a 'name' for themselves in the easiest, quickest way possible otherwise anything else would take them away from their real perogatives. Most people just want to get drunk every night and sleep around. Infamy and vulgarity can only get you so far. There needs to be substance, substance and substance for without that creativity is dead.

At the moment, I feel like a woman possessed. I have never felt so driven in my life. I reach a personal milestone this year but there is so much that needs to be done beforehand....

I get frantic without you...

I must always remember to keep you in my handbag.

New Years/New Purge

2 days into the New Year and I'm literally buzzing.

I feel excited and positive about the year ahead...I want this to year be different and better than the last and will do everything in my power to take control of my life and not let life control me. I'm going to make decisions and stick to them. The bane of my life has always been my inability to stick by decisions I've made. I'm sick of always questioning myself. It drives me insane. It is going to stop now.

I've started running and really enjoy it. It clears my head, body and lungs for an hour each day.

It's also the first Blue On Blue gig next week. I'm very excited. I have a set idea of what the live show is going to be like and I think it's going to work really well with the music. I also have a remix for Kurtz in the pipeline so it's good to be busy with cool music stuff.


I came across this really beautiful image of Meena Kumari today. I was actually looking at photos of Nepalese Kumari and then this came up. She was a beautiful Bollywood actress and poet and died when she was just 39 as she was a severe alcoholic. She had deeply troubled relationships and died penniless in a hospital.

I looked up some of her poems, unfortunately very few are translated into English. I've posted what I could find below.

You ask me, How do I live?
Night goes in begging and Prayers fill my morning
O lord! Living is not only breathing
My heart senses no more pain and eyes hold no more tears
Breakable dreams pierce my sleepless eyes like thorns
I, mad lover, spend my nights in such a way
Sorrow is my enemy and yet my heart longs for sorrow
Whenever there is some happiness in my life

It begins but I see no avail, no end
Often I don’t see his presence in my life
When someone is deeply in love with someone
one may get bad name but does not go in oblivion
Why should not I collect with laugh, the pieces of my broken heart?
Afterall not everyone gets the reward

Moon is alone and sky is alone
My heart goes alone on the journey
Day has brought the light but the hope is lost
My existence trembles alone
Is this the life ,
Where body and soul walk separately?
Though I found companion during my journey
But we kept walking separately
Far away on other side of that dim light
I see a small, closed and confined heart
It will wait for me for ages
After I walk alone from this world.