T O D A Y

T O D A Y instead of reaching to slice I thought I'd be nice...to myself...
It was fairly easy and simple to divert myself from an impeding mental disaster. I was very surprised. If it was so easy to snap out of rage and gloom then why have I never really done it before?

I think I have realised something very important today. I think I have realised that I actually do enjoy being sad. I enjoy putting myself through constant self-accusations, self destruction and self hate. 'I miss the comfort in being sad'. YES I DO. As I have wallowed in sad moments for so much of my waking life it has become such a natural habit to react to every 'sad' situation in the same way: anger, disgust, rage at another person, rage at myself followed by pity for myself. It's been an ongoing saga for as long as I remember. The only difference that occurs each time is how long it will take me to snap out of it.

I just don't understand why it has to be so hard and I know that part of the reason things are hard are because I fundamentally don't understand why. Each time I open up it takes so much damn effort and it is so hard to keep giving and giving when no one understands me or respects me and ultimately it leads to the rape of me...Dee..a person...silently suffering...

Sleeves

I hide my cuts beneath these big white sleeves
What lies beneath is just pure disbelief
Then I heard your words when you spoke
I listened until I began to choke

So now I know
Yes I know
That you hide yourself behind your big white sleeves
We both suffer from exactly the same disease
But then you ran away whilst I spoke
I chased you until I froze

Because you know
Yes you know
And you left me alone in my big white sleeves
When we could've had each other to fight our disease

And from that moment I could see no hope
Nothing left but to choke and choke
Now my entire body is buried beneath white sleeves
Nothing left but death placed between the leaves

So now I know
Yes I know
Now I know
That there's no hope