So

It finally happened again...

Laying in each other's arms...

In your arms and not his or his or his...

I really enjoyed it.

Do I need

To stop doing things with people that I later feel the need to regret? Everything then gets complicated.

I'm just not interested right now.

Is it wrong that I secretly enjoy it?

Choosing to live this way makes life so much easier.

I am a misanthrope

Yes, it's official. I've always known it and now I've declared it. I suppose it's hardly breaking news...

I am also fast turning into a misandrist. This doesn't make me a feminist or a lesbian though. I don't think it does anyway. Sometimes the problem with self-diagnosing your social and psychological behaviour is that you feel like a weight's been lifted when you come across a term that seems to fit your life pattern but then you get so easily confused when these terms begin to overlap, conflict or seem right only part of the time.

Hmmmm....

Back to the drawing board...

Dazed and Confused

For the first time in 4 years, someone has actually recognised what I do.

Thank you
...
<<<
>>>
///
???

Push/Give

If you push, he won't give.

I was given a book to read at university called 'The Games People Play' which was a treatise on the psychoanalysis of human behaviour. I was 19. I read the first page and got bored. I really wish I read it now. I'm going to try and hunt it down.

This year has been a hurricane in more ways than one. The band is a continual source of (in)sanity and focus and it is hard to live the type of life I was leading before around it. You are constantly having to trust people you barely know, you have no money to pay for anything but will be paying for absolutely everything if you ever do. You meet so many new people all the time. Does this guy want to go out with me because I am Dee or because he wants me to put him on at my club night? The amount of things people ask me to do for them all the time stresses me out but I genuinely do want to help. It's just the constant lack of thank yous and relentless expectations which wear me down. Honestly though, when was the last time you did something for me?

I am learning that I need to be less paranoid and insecure but when everything around you is constantly in a state of flux, this becomes increasingly difficult.

I always make a point of talking to everyone I meet with an egalitarian approach. It seems not many have this approach in life, society or in this industry. 'Oh I've met that girl loads of times before but I'm just not cool enough for her to remember me'. I hate it when people treat me or my friends this way.

I have never treated you this way and have done nothing but support you. I have been trying so hard to open myself up to you whilst trying to conceal my scars. I thought you understood this but you clearly don't. Wasted energy hurts.

You will only perhaps remember me when I am gone.

Snap out of it

Your crude twisted licks of lies
Made some kind of contrived truth to my ears
Instinct, my friend, is right all along
Use of my being of myself of me was all you wanted.

The taste of three forms a bitter poise in my mouth
An acrid sense of everything this was trying to be not
His former cuts and slices possessed me
His former madness and sadness penetrated me

I don't know how to exorcise these black demons
You may have helped to create them
You may have helped to breed them

We will never know
You will never know
ME

Feeling of Gaze

This Week

Equals

I have had massive arguments with some of those closest to me

I haven't left the house since Sunday but secretly quite enjoy it

I've been writing, in all senses of the word, quite a lot

I have realised some very important things about myself and those I work with

It is still only Tuesday

I am re-reading The Bell Jar, surprise, surprise:
'Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with someone I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: "I'll go take a hot bath."'

Hot baths have been my new solace of late. I used to love baths when I was a kid but have just rediscovered them since I moved into this house. I think it's because we live up so high in the clouds and the water pressure is so bad and also we only have a kind of hose and not a proper shower. Perhaps all that has something to do with it. Anyway, I love bath time. Shower in the morning and have a hot bath every night. It is the secret to keeping sane.

Honestly.