I wish I could afford a drug habit

Word on the east London streets...a new favourite drug is in town...it's called BROWN...

To say I was angry when I heard this is what my peers and acquaintances now choose to dabble in on top of Ket, Meph and everything else they call their trivial pursuits, is a mild understatement.

"Can I get into your night for free, mate? Cos I've got no money and can't afford the £3 door entry that goes towards paying the band, artists and you for putting this night on. Cheers luv."

"I'm so fucking broke but yet I always seem to have money for booze, fags and drugs...."


I am sick of all you useless layabouts who originally moved to London to allegedly find like-minded creatives and make something of your lives. Surely there's no such thing as peer pressure in your fucking mid 20s?!! What have you actually achieved? What will you leave behind when you leave this world? Have you any ambitions or goals as an artist? What art have you actually created?

I finally have a funded opportunity to follow what I actually love doing however being in London right now and around a bunch of totally uninspiring people makes me want to head for the hills and relocate.

I came from a supportive, financially stable background. However when I left home at 18 I swore that I would never rely on or ask my parents for money. They have spent their entire lives (and continue to do so in their 60s) working so damn fucking hard. It is not my birthright to take their money. I forge my own path in life even if that means I can only afford a lower standard of living to my family's expectations.

It is only rich ponces on the current scene who can afford the latest threads, records, instruments and drugs who go round claiming to be flat broke. They are not artists and they are not cool. They are absolute losers who get mummy and daddy to pay for the warehouse apartment in London Fields.

THIS ISN'T AN ARTISTIC COMMUNITY. IT IS A WASTE OF SPACE FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET TRASHED.

I WANT OUT.

GOOD NAME

The most perfect song I've heard whilst drinking a bottle of Jamesons in the back of a van with a load of Finnish boys.

good name – william onyeabor

MP3 search on MP3hunting

Neil Kinnock! I mean, Arthur Scargill! I mean....grrrrrr!

I have nothing to do with modern journalism and everything to do with literature...Except for this week that is; Loud & Quiet interview with Blue On Blue, i-D Magazine interview for The Birds & Nick Knight and an interview with The Independent about The George Tavern, jumble sales and the recession.

Official platforms to rant and rave...who would have thought.....I'm kicking myself for mentioning Neil Kinnock instead of Arthur Scargill in The Independent. BIG difference and hopefully they won't put that bit in. Those who know me will realise that this schoolgirl error has cost me a lifetime of lost sleep...Grrrrr.....

Stick to your guns...

The last 2 weeks have been INSANE.

The day I finally decided to speak to someone professionally about what I can only assume has been a life long depression I always thought I would grow out of, I received a call offering me my dream job. I was about to give up hope on EVERYTHING.

The very day my entire life savings ran dry, I received my first wages from my new job. It felt like something somewhere was meant to be happening. I haven't felt like that in such a long time. I know there'll be plenty more dark days ahead at some point but hopefully I'll read this back and remember that there was a time when I felt like I had been SAVED.

I also received a pretty strange request to play bass in a T4 presenters punk band while being financially renumerated £200 a day. YES, A FUCKING DAY. I was shocked and intrigued at how these dark media forces knew about me and was also pretty proud of myself for saying a big, fat, resolute NO.

HOWEVER...

Me being me and with the old cogs turning at 120 bpm a minute, I am now questioning whether I would have said no if this offer had come by 2 weeks ago when I was at my wits end both financially and mentally. Would I have been so low that an offer of a TV stint and a lot of money would have seemed like the right thing to do? It pains me to say it, but I honestly don't know. I would like to think that I would have turned it down but I felt so lost that maybe I would've thought it was my saving grace. Anyway, I suppose it's all rather hypothetical and going back to what I started saying, it felt like that universe was dancing and that my new job at The George Tavern was meant to be for me and not some shitty telly band career.

THANK GOD.

Thank God that I literally did not have to sell my soul to get funds to allow me to continue to be an artist through every means a true artist should not have to take. That would have been something I could never have lived with.

In an interview with Loud & Quiet today in which we were asked about the London music scene, I didn't sound off about pretentious east London bands but the fact that the severe lack of financial support and encouragement for musicians is crushing to any band wanting to take music seriously. My Scandinavian and French musician friends live very comfortably as musicians and the way we live like dogs scavaging scraps is so pitiful. I should not be made to feel like 'dole scum' purely because I choose to dedicate my life to creating something pure which may seem 'unconventional' to the conventional 9-5 masses.

Anyway, this was meant to be a positive post and now it's turned into some sort of a rant!

The future is bright, uncertain, cold, hot and suspicious of change.

People who do nothing with their lives and vicariously try and live through yours

Musicians find their release on stage.
Mere mortals try and find theirs on a Saturday night.
I pity them.
I pity you.

The Future

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can fly again.

I'm finally taking flight....

My new home:



Y E S

Cheer up Goth

It's easy to moan and complain about everything that's not right in the world and in my life but I'm now taking concerted steps to rant about the good, happy things in my life.

I had the most splendid evening tonight. I was a litle apprehensive about how Decasia would go in a new venue but it was one of the best nights in a long time, especially after the chaos and drama that my last club night ended in - a huge bitter bar brawl and people being mugged at knifepoint. Surely things couldn't get any worse than that? Thankfully they didn't.

The music was pure and dirty rock n' roll on vinyl only. Roots music that was originally banned and considered to risque for the then youth of the day. It was fun to play such an old school set and people were really into it.

The highlight of tonight was friends old and new coming along to support. It meant a lot. I've been struggling quite a lot socially with frequent panic attacks and an unwanted sense of disdain and detachment towards just about everything and everyone. However tonight I felt reconnected and and recharged. Old friends like D and M who I've missed so greatly and Tim who is a guardian angel that pays me a visit every time I am feeling so terribly low and manages to cheer me up to such a great high. Seeing him tonight reminded me of where I was a year ago when we recorded with him. The week we spent recording with him gave me a real confidence and love for what I was doing again. Tim is a real star, a real musician and a genuine artist.

I feel humbled and so thankful to know such renowned, legendary artists. Thank you, thank you, thank you.........