Hi, how are you?

I dunno....I think I need to buy a new life please.....

I guess that you believe you are a woman and that I am someone else's man.......

I shall be seeing you on my birthday in Berlin.

How exciting.....

Near Wild Heaven

This week has actually been really good. Apart from the massive freak out I had on Tuesday. That wasn't cool at all. I called some people I know 'monkeys' and 'fuck-ups'. I didn't mean it though. Well, I kind of meant it at the time but I don't think it all the time. I'm just sick of placing ourselves in people's hands who promise us the world and deliver nothing. And they have a hold over me because they have money and I don't. It gets me down....

Anyway, Nail the Cross last night was great fun. Probably down to the fact I had a bottle of Jim Beam to myself. Now then, my drink of choice is usually Jack and coke hence I think I lost it on the old JB. My mind ain't used to it. I think I played ok though. I forgot the words to a couple of songs notably 100%! What a monkey! That was pretty stupid and I think everyone in the room noticed. Oh well. Another thing to blame on Jim Beam.

Just been given a ticket to Mudhoney tonight. I really want to go and be excited but all I can think about is shit loads of coffee and maybe a mini roll and then my duvet. I'm such a bloody whinger. Free ticket to Mudhoney - YES PLEASE!

I don't know about the week ahead. I'm going to stop worrying about my life and just let things happen or not happen. I saw some old school friends last night and now we're back in touch and hanging out this week. That's good perhaps I'm finally overcoming my fear of people and my past. I can always hope anyway.

I like these. A lot:

RANT

I hate this world

I hate this industry

I hate the people that stay in this industry because they are all rich bastards.

You will never come across a poor, starving band from the suburbs anymore...No sir. The down-trodden, dole benefitting, odd jobs, penniless musician doesn't exist anymore. In their place, we have kids with the most expensive instruments in town who a) don't know how to play them, b) COPY music they like instead of creating anything new and original and c) have never had to nor never will have to worry a day in their lives about money as the bank of mummy and daddy pays for their hi-tech instruments, uber fashionable clothes, sweet flat in London and all the cool records they think they should own.

I worked my arse off for 2 and a half years and with my savings gave up my job to follow my dream. 18 months and a few odd jobs later, I'm faced with job interviews and freaking out about having to go back to my old life. My entire life savings are dust - gone - totally dried up. Yes they helped me fund my dream for a short time but what now? WHAT THE HELL NOW?

I don't have rich, healthy parents that can throw money at me for a new bass, new kit and everything else I need. The entire Bird back catalogue was written on my red bass which I acquired 3rd hand from a friend who moved to New Zealand. I have shit pedals that cost £20. I may seem like a shit musician because of this but I sure know how to play my shit instruments.

It's not fair that a lot of the people I know can prance about and can just be in a band 24/7. They don't have jobs or don't care that their parents are breaking their backs in order to support them. It makes me sick.

I don't listen to these people's music or what they have to say because there is nothing of substance to them. A spolit kid with a 2 grand Fender is never going to be my hero. Someone whose life is too easy and has never lost sleep over getting evicted or the debt collectors coming round means nothing to me.

I hate you all

Whilst I most probably go back to a shitty job with shitty people with a constant fake smile on my face and battling thoughts of smashing my head repeatedly against my computer, I will think of you

AND LAUGH

A complete and total....

Self-sabotage.....where does it come from? Does it lay innately dormant in us until fate decides it is time for it to rear its ugly head?

The worst kind of self-sabotage is seemingly positive sabotage. Inspired to start a new project however the truth is you are now drifting away from what was formerly occupying every second of your time and energy for the last 18 months. Why now? When things have come this close? Is it divine intervention, fate or just my fear pre-empting something that I've wanted all my life and is on the cusp of being attained. Unable to cope with the realities of where things could lead and how massively my life would be affected, I pre-empt success and glory with a massive shift and loss of interest and focus. Something new, shiny and more of a challenge has come my way. Yes, this shall be my demon from now on. This shall be what drives my soul into the heavens but my personal life, family life and financial life into deep, deep despair.

You know what I've come to realise. Different faces but same damn hell.

My soul is composed of:
creativity
desire
impatience
frustration

Therefore it will never be free.

So

It finally happened again...

Laying in each other's arms...

In your arms and not his or his or his...

I really enjoyed it.

Do I need

To stop doing things with people that I later feel the need to regret? Everything then gets complicated.

I'm just not interested right now.

Is it wrong that I secretly enjoy it?

Choosing to live this way makes life so much easier.